We all know winter is well and truly in the post. Every now and then the ever-present expanse of grey cloud that covers the UK like a dank, omnipotent moss may part for a few seconds, revealing a few rays of glorious, ephemeral sunshine, but we all know this is a fad. Back to the bright grey skies and the slow wait for oncoming storm that is winter. So best use the opportune moment to prepare for the big freeze and get your best ways to stay warm ready.
Hot in the sack
No one likes to be cold at night time. There’s nothing worse than the chattering of teeth and endless shivering keeping you awake as you try to lull yourself into your much-needed beauty sleep. Thankfully, you can just pop your lovely PJs into this sack a little while before bed and, lo and behold, you can wallow in the new electric warmth of your bed clothes. You may, however, wake up at 5am once the heat had sadly dissipated to find yourself back at square one, but at least the getting to sleep bit was lush. Don’t you dare think of putting anything but your PJs in it either. They don’t call it The Pajamas Warming Pouch for fun.
Microwaves are meant for two things: macaroni cheese and experiments with eggs that always end the same way. They are not, believe it or not, meant for slippers. Apparently the jesters at Hot Sox seem to disagree. My problem is that if you put your house shoes in the microwave to keep your feet warm, where are you going to draw the line? Sooner or later you’re going to have people putting their socks and pants in there, then their hats and, before you know it, hairdryers have become redundant and everyone’s got head cancer. Hot Sox are a gateway drug, friends. Just talk to Frank.
For all the conveniences modern life has brought us, it hasn’t half created some problems that need solving. First it was Y2K, then it was the digital switchover, now it’s working out the hell to manage to text on your mobile phone when your hands have been brought to a standstill by the cold winter air. Thankfully these gloves rose to their call to arms. With a swift removal of the tip of the forefinger and thumb, you can text away with ease and then just slip them back on. Tramps have, however, been doing it for years by just cutting all the ends of their gloves off for when they need to open a tin of pork and beans, knit a scarf or a whittle a tooth pick. But it’s nice that these texting gloves are transcending the boundaries of having a shelter. Texting gloves: society’s leveller.
There’s nothing like taking a cue from a penguin. They survive the trials and tribulations of the perpetual winters of the South Pole using the body heat of their companions, so why not utilise your new born baby as a personal stomach radiator in your own huddle formation? It does carry the unique risk of the said radiator having a dirty protest over its new function, or bringing up the content of its belly on you, given all the unwanted motion of being strapped to someone’s belly. And birthing a child for the sole purpose of personal warmth is a bit more of a commitment than just buying yourself a new fleece. Babies are for at least 18 years, not just for winter.
What an offal way to stay warm
I know what you’re all thinking. This bizarre looking contraption entitled LightMate is supposed to take the place of a companion on those long, lonely, cold winter nights bears resemblance to more mutated version of a lady egg’s best friend, that or someone’s intestinal tract. And that makes the whole experience just a little bit disconcerting than it needs to be. But if you’re a lonely, cold soul and want to look like you’re giving Andre the Giant’s guts a lovely big hug, and keeping warm in the process, the LightMate is perfect.
Joined at the tip
Isn’t this just disgustingly cute? You can become attached to your better half by the wrist in what has to be one of the most sickening and inconvenient ways to stay warm since Bear Grylls suggested stripping naked and doing push ups after falling in the Arctic Sea. If you really can’t spend a second not grasping the clammy palms of your lover then, by all means, purchase this monstrosity between you. Why don’t you just make a giant coat for you to share while you’re at it too?
For cigarette glovers
Smokers are a grumbly bunch. Forever banging on about being persecuted for their habit that has left them confined to shivering like George VI at a war rally every winter since 2007. I say “put up or shut up”, but some people appear to be a bit more concerned for their plight and have invented some mittens that allow you to smoke without contracting frost bite. Slip them on and you can stick two fingers up to the smoking ban in your smug warmth while still puffing away on your coffin nails. Only no one will know of your defiance. Oh, the ignorant joy of mittens. Smokers who own these will probably find themselves looking forward to winter, just so they can crack them out again, pop a fag in the metal ringlet and just wait to become the talking point of the smoking area.
It’s not just light it radiates
There’s nothing like killing two birds with one stone. When you’ve got 750 watts of electricity powering your big, bright, brash computer, it’s going to kick out some pretty substantial heat. Shut the door, boot up World of Warcraft and you can sit in there kept warm by a radiator that can provide so much more than that hunk of metal fixed to your wall.
A place to burro at night
If you’ve ever imagined yourself as an amalgamation of greasy minced beef, salsa, guacamole, rice and beans, or just love the thought of being cocooned by a flour tortilla, then this giant burrito would be a wise purchase. Using a big giant hug from the warm arms of a Mexican, you can be slowly smothered to sleep every night. Who needs bed when you have Latin American cuisine?
The time and effort it would require to roll yourself up in this snake every evening would simply not be worth the pay off. Give it an hour or so and there would be just about enough snake left to cover your decency, as the rest will be sprawled around your room, tripping up family members. I’m not convinced by the texture of this warming tube either, nor the faded, dirty colour. Who really wants to be wrapped up in a filthy towel snake? I’ll take the entrails, thanks.